the four letter word, and where it found me.

Since I'm still a newly married woman, thoughts on love still seem to be oozing out of my brain. So, bear with me if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you. :)

Love is not always what we think or expect. And it very rarely happens the way we imagine it. In college I was focused on graduating and enjoying my season of being single. In fact, I might even admit, I got comfortable there. I enjoyed throwing wedding/baby showers and being a bridesmaid. Independence was my pride and joy. And when love showed up for me, it broke social norms and expectations I had for a "conventional" relationship. And even though it scared me senseless, I couldn't shake this peace I had deep in my heart. And as hard as I tried to push away, Kenny saw the best in me. (I always needed someone who was willing to fight for me.) And after prayerful consideration and counsel, I surrendered to love.

I can honestly say, that I'm SO grateful that my journey to romance didn't happen the way I had "planned".

I believe that God protected me and led me, even through stupid past mistakes. I've screwed up so many previous relationships, that it almost seems unfair to have something this pure, this precious. And that's how I know that the sole reason that I have found love is because God is RICH in kindness.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:17

There have been so many times that I've found myself journaling and thinking about how I don't deserve a man like Kenny. And then one day, I had a thought: Maybe that's the beauty of a Christ-like love. None of us will ever be able to earn it or truly deserve it. At some point, we will fall short. Love was always meant to be a gift. And when we receive it with a heart full of gratitude, it allows our love to continue to grow.

It is Christ in Kenny that loves me best. Just as it is Christ in me that attempts to love him better too.

I know there will be times we argue, and when waking up next to each other isn't always this romantic. BUT, for now... I'm soaking it in.

I'll let my heart overflow with gratitude and praise to God for this wonderful gift. Maybe then, on days that are more mundane, I'll be reminded of these sweet moments.

I don't want to sit by and wait for the freshness of this new season to fade. Instead, I'll breathe it in DEEPLY.

Late post: Life lessons from dusty journals.

Okay so first and foremost, I should preface this is an old post that I forgot to ever actually publish on here. (Whoops). I have a habit of starting to write and never publishing my thoughts. Maybe it's the perfectionist in me that has to proofread everything five times. Or, maybe it's the fast pace of life. Oh well, whatever.

Kenny and I are dedicating the next few weekends to labeling and filling boxes to the brim.
Transitioning from his "man cave" into our studio apartment. I can't believe we get married in just a few weeks!

Funny how transition is always slightly bittersweet. It's a tug-of-war between what will be missed and what there is to look forward to.


I pulled a bunch of random things from under my bed, including a few old journals (that look more like massive textbooks). Covered in dust, I flipped through the pages. I laughed at my perspective and concerns. I smiled as I read about my old roommates, and random memories and my college course woes. Vivid pictures of sitting in places by myself, finding out who I was, and how God sees me. Sorting through feeling alone, through my mom's battle with cancer, and through many job transitions and life changes. When I flipped to the last page of my previous journal, I read this: " may this journal remind you, Hannah Jayne, of the Lord's faithfulness to you. His love, and tender voice. His mercy and wisdom"... and tonight, it did just that. Thank you, Lord.

God has such a crafty way of reminding us of how far He's taken us. Tonight, I'm so grateful for that.

2012.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged last. Now that I have a break in between semesters, I thought I’d pick it up again. And since it’s New Year’s Day, I thought it’d be an opportune time to reflect on what the Lord has done in me this past year.

2012 has been full of many transitions. After living in a house full of women for several years, I moved into a studio apartment by myself. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I started a new school. I switched jobs…three times. And lastly, I found love. With each transition came a new discovery of myself, and God’s perspective for me. I wept tears of confusion and despair, as well as tears of joy and gratitude. When things are uncertain, it’s like seeing a fog of grey, when all you are searching for is a ray of light. And even though trusting God’s sovereignty should be enough, sometimes it felt like I was hanging by a thread. There were times I wrestled and doubted how God would bring glory of this mess… times that I was literally on my face trying to stir this heart of mine to be in alignment with what He had in store. I believe in that moment… He saw me.

And even though the process was longer than I might have liked, God always knows what will bring about the best results. And as I write this, my heart is overflowing with gratitude for all that God has done. Mom is getting stronger every day, victoriously finished her chemo and radiation. My most recent job transition has brought so much relief to both my bank account, and my emotional stress level. Living by myself has allowed for deep moments between just me and Jesus, and a quiet place of peace. And after wondering where love would find me… now the man I love will be joining me in California to meet my parents.

So, I guess I’m approaching 2013 with a fresh set of eyes, far beyond a perspective I could’ve conjured up on my own. Instead of wishing that 2013 is a smoother year, I pray that today you and I both learn to trust the perfect leadership of Jesus more and more. That we would be blessed by whatever He entrusts us with…that we flourish into who He’s made us to be, regardless of what that may require.

“Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in him.” –Proverbs 30:5

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” –Psalm 9:10

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”—Isaiah 26:3