The weather this winter has been so unpredictable in Texas. Scarves and boots one day, shorts and a light jacket the next. It has been through my recent impatience with the weather that I've re-discovered my frustration with life's unpredictability. Inconsistency drives me crazy. Weather. People who are unpredictable. Situations that creep in and mess up my happily planned day. When my emotions stagger and sway. The list goes on. I seem to only delight in change when I plan it. And I know that sounds horribly ironic, but oh well.
Surrendering to change, and all that entails. This seems to be the theme of my life right now... learning how to let go. Obviously, I haven't quite learned my lesson yet.
When life flips upside down I tend to kick and scream, fighting against the waves of change. This time I must have fought too hard, because I threw out my back... haha. oh boy.
So as I'm writing this, I am laying on tons of pillows with a heating pad... truly wishing I could take these muscle relaxers the doc just gave me.
And it's God's kindness. Wait... what? Yes, it is His kindness. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that there is more to life than predictability. The truth is, I am horrible at this... but I am determined to try my best to embrace these waves, and float on God's grace in the midst of the storm.
This morning as I was praying on my way to school, I felt fear creep in to my heart. Anxious about my mom's health, hating cancer and what it does. Sick of having back pain. Feeling homesick. The never-ending to do lists. Missing my best girl friends, feeling lonely. And as everything bubbled up in my heart, I caught myself trying to suppress it all. So instead, I pulled into the parking lot at school and cried. Cried so hard I was a few minutes late for class.
It was then that the Lord kindly re-directed my perspective. Letting His grace cover us isn't about refusing to feel fear or doubt. It's about feeling deeply, and choosing to run to the feet of Jesus with whatever emotion we are facing. It's about dropping our cape of self-sufficiency, and allowing the real hero to rescue us from ourselves... thank you Jesus.
Admitting my frailty... and unashamedly being transparent with others, myself, and God. I can honestly say that's what is transforming this weak-willed heart of mine. We really aren't that strong at all. But, HE is. And He shines in us when we come to terms with our inability to hold it together. So today... I let go. again.
I found him in the place when I was the most desperate. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent.
Discovering fresh hope, even though it hasn't looked very pretty. SO... with back pain, heartache, a huge homework load, and a full day ahead of me... I have such an opportunity to let the praise of the Lord cover my speech.
I am well aware that I will have to surrender again, and again. And... AGAIN.
I will never fully master the art of surrendering. But for now, I will try not to hold on so tightly, reminding myself to trust in the one that gives me breath. His steadfast love keeps me right where I need to be. This is what the message of the cross is all about.
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21
