(I wrote this a few nights ago… just now posting.)
For the first time in several months I’m sitting down to blog. I am sipping (decaf) coffee, which is a glorious feeling. I can’t even recall the last time I didn’t need to be caffeinated. Mmhm. Feels so good.
There is a pretty intense storm going on outside. Every time it rains and I actually have time to sit and watch, I feel like my heart and mind sink into reflection. Raindrops rolling down the windowpane and lightning flashing across the sky tonight remind me of the “storms” life takes us through. More specifically, how these "storms" end up shaping us and changing us for the better. I felt every emotion from the past few months rush through my mind and heart… and as they did, I felt the presence of God so near. He has never forsaken me, even in the midst of all this madness.
I laugh when I read my journal entries that say things like: “I want to stay humble. I want to reflect God’s character when it’s hard.” It is normally a short period of time in between those journal entries and when life begins to take its wild turns. It makes all this whining I’ve been doing seem pretty irrational, considering I asked for it. (haha)
A few years back I had the privilege of discipling a group of girls. There was a phrase I would constantly say to them when talking about being a steadfast lover of Jesus:
“In the midst of the storms that come, we choose respond to His love.” The more that I live, the more I realize this has become more than a seasonal teaching for me. It has weaved its way into the story of my life. The one song that this little bird chirps over and over again… Steadfast. Faithful until the end. Whatever storms may come… I will respond to His love. It rolls off the tongue easily, but feels like a never-ending war within when you’re trying to walk it out.
Life has seemed like a raging sea since December. And right when I thought I was done “learning my lesson”, the Lord had more in store for me. I found myself some nights begging Him to take me back to shore. I was sick of the waves of change. But in His kindness once again, He kept me there. And now I am slowly beginning to see what He saw all along… I needed it. Every part.
It wasn’t just about learning a good lesson and correcting one aspect of my character, it was much bigger than that. It was about becoming okay with being in this raging sea… to stop pleading and longing for the shore. Instead, to be desperate for more grace, more of Christ in me. To stop demanding answers, and to learn to wait and hope for what I can’t see. To submerge myself in the Living Water, instead of fighting against the waves.
So, now is my opportunity: To make mistakes and learn from them, instead of making excuses or condemning myself. To hope in a supernatural God, and thank Him for what He’s doing in my family… instead of being frustrated that my mom has cancer. To breathe in deep all of the blessings, and stop wishing for what I don’t have. To grow in my knowledge of the Word and to lay down my superficial ideas of how “mature” I think I might be.
Today I am so grateful to Jesus for how He is shaping me… I hope that if you’re reading this that you will be challenged to embrace the sweet sting of correction in whatever form it might come. That instead of despising the storm, you will feel loved because of it. Whatever you might be sifting through, that you would ask for courage and meekness from God instead of looking for a way to fix it yourself or escape it.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” – Isaiah 43:2
“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah” –Psalm 61:1-4
