Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood.

I don't think I've ever felt this way before. I've never wanted to run away from myself this badly. But instead, I will force myself to stand in front of the mirror and look myself straight it the eyes, admitting all of the ways I have come up short.

I think as Christians, we need to remember how much we still really do need to be saved from ourselves. We are not exempt, we are only pardoned by the grace that saves us when we fall.

Went to the prayer chapel at YWAM yesterday. I laid on the floor in front of a cross that said, "surrender here". I tried to make myself feel miserable...but all I could feel was the sweet gentle presence of Jesus. "It shouldn't be this easy, I deserve to be miserable." but somehow, it couldn't be any less complicated. Tears came, heart melted like wax.

So thankful that the heart I gave is in the right hands...

random.

<----I talked with my sweet Krystal Chan last night. Oh, how I miss that dear girl! So many shared experiences, she understands so much of what my heart is feeling. I wish Canada was closer to Texas! :-) We are planning a trip to Greece, summer of 2011. I was thinking last night about when I was in high school. I would pray consistently for godly friends. Now, I am abundantly blessed with such amazing people who are running hard after Jesus. Thank you, Lord.

This past weekend I took on the project of switching rooms with one of my housemates. The room was bright turquoise, and it definitely needed a new shade. So now my room is a dark plum with a stone rose accent wall. It turned out pretty...I'm just still getting used to having a darker room.

The leaves are finally starting to change colors, which makes me happy. I love how the seasons change...

Dad will be here in 3 weeks! I can't wait to have him around for Thanksgiving. He is going to help me pick out a car,(FINALLY!) and then we are going to drive it to Kansas City to spend turkey day at Claire's house. I am looking forward to just me & dad driving there & back, good quality time. I am so lucky to have such a fun dad! He's probably one of the coolest guys I know. Seriously. :-)

that is all for now...ciao!

Amazing Grace

Lately I've been realizing a lot of things about myself. Some good, but mostly more junk in my life. I think for the first time in a while, the veil has been lifted from over my eyes & I am recognizing a lot of things that need to change. Realizing flaws and areas you need to work on in your spiritual life is usually discouraging, but I actually feel the opposite. Being able to admit where my efforts have failed has totally allowed for Christ to be glorified, and to extend His hand of grace to meet me where I fall short.

I think sometimes honesty can be the problem, especially for us "good Christians", because we are so used to thinking of our lives as before-and-after stories. But the truth is...as I continue this journey of life walking with Jesus, I will fall. And yes, I will still need rescuing.

We cover up all the ugly stuff to protect ourselves, and sometimes the issue runs so deep that we even come to the place where we convince ourselves that this specific sin issue doesn't even exist anymore. And when we do that, we send the message to those who are hurting, who are broken, who are truly weary & heavy laden, that they are not welcome in our churches & our lives.

And when we send that message--even to ourselves--I believe we're actually working against God. Because broken, hurting, & honest people are exactly who God wants in His churches.

Lately my redemption has meant so much more than ever before, remembering how wonderful it is to be saved by a total & completely overwhelming grace. A place warmed by the presence of a father who saw me, knew me, & loved me.

So for whoever might be reading this, I pray that regardless of whatever your struggle might be, that your heart would feel alive and free to fall back on his mercy. We were never meant to rescue ourselves. What a relief!

Ellie & me.

hm. Well the baby is asleep, so I can finally update this thing. I want to be better about blogging, now that my life is currently at a much slower pace...but considering my track record, I won't fool myself into making any promises.

I'm still unsure about a lot of what this year has in store for me, but I am trusting the Lord to direct my steps. I'm a little bummed about taking a semester off school, since I'm already considerably behind in my college education as it is. But I must admit, it is kind of nice to not have homework.

So instead of school, my responsibility is Ellie. This little girl has stolen my heart away in only a matter of weeks. It has been a complete joy so far! The funny noises she makes in her attempts to be understood. Our morning walks around the neighborhood, and snuggling time after a long nap.

Well, I suppose that is all fhe blogging I have in me for today. Until next time....Ciao!

Fine dining.

wonderful food...great company. Learning to live life abundantly. Grabbing a hold of every moment possible, as time slips through our fingers. 6 weeks. That's all we have left together. These women have made life so much more enjoyable and exciting!

The Importance of the Gospel

This video made me weep. Remembering the importance of understanding my need for the cross. He is worthy, and will receive glory. This video might offend some people, but I believe it is an accurate portrayal of the Gospel message.

think about it.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=93757201891&ref=mf

this video absolutely blew my mind. SO much truth. amen.

my heart is a little weary... I'm a little tired of pushing when it hurts. Wanting to pull away, but I will push anyways. I feel like those are the biggest lessons I have learned this year. Love hard. Push hard. Love when it isn't fair, and when it hurts the most. Push for the potential you see in those around you. Learning to see people not for who they are now, but who they are capable of being...calling them to something greater; something outside of themselves.

these women have changed me. They have brought out the worst and the best... right now it just hurts a little more than usual. But, Love always protects. Always hopes. Always perseveres.

my lovely wildflower, Sonushka.

I have so much homework I should be doing, but instead all I want to do is sit here on this couch, and watch Sonia try on outfits for her trip to Germany. Sun leaking through the window on her sandy blond hair and olive skin, brown sandals and that green vest she always likes to wear. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as alive as this woman; it makes me smile just thinking about how much more vibrant and colorful my life has become with her in it.

Anxious heart, excited for what is to come as well as just trying to take it all in. Take a deep breath, mind racing. I’m ready to move on with life, but how bittersweet it will truly be. I’m ready to throw my textbook out the window and just live. Breathe. Trying to juggle so many things, it seems unnatural. Only by the grace of God have I survived with my head above the water. Does life ever slow down? I wonder…

For now I will continue to watch beautiful Sonia, and pray that time stands still.