Waves of change. Surrendering still...

(I wrote this a few nights ago… just now posting.)

For the first time in several months I’m sitting down to blog. I am sipping (decaf) coffee, which is a glorious feeling. I can’t even recall the last time I didn’t need to be caffeinated. Mmhm. Feels so good. There is a pretty intense storm going on outside. Every time it rains and I actually have time to sit and watch, I feel like my heart and mind sink into reflection. Raindrops rolling down the windowpane and lightning flashing across the sky tonight remind me of the “storms” life takes us through. More specifically, how these "storms" end up shaping us and changing us for the better. I felt every emotion from the past few months rush through my mind and heart… and as they did, I felt the presence of God so near. He has never forsaken me, even in the midst of all this madness.

I laugh when I read my journal entries that say things like: “I want to stay humble. I want to reflect God’s character when it’s hard.” It is normally a short period of time in between those journal entries and when life begins to take its wild turns. It makes all this whining I’ve been doing seem pretty irrational, considering I asked for it. (haha)

A few years back I had the privilege of discipling a group of girls. There was a phrase I would constantly say to them when talking about being a steadfast lover of Jesus:

“In the midst of the storms that come, we choose respond to His love.” The more that I live, the more I realize this has become more than a seasonal teaching for me. It has weaved its way into the story of my life. The one song that this little bird chirps over and over again… Steadfast. Faithful until the end. Whatever storms may come… I will respond to His love. It rolls off the tongue easily, but feels like a never-ending war within when you’re trying to walk it out.

Life has seemed like a raging sea since December. And right when I thought I was done “learning my lesson”, the Lord had more in store for me. I found myself some nights begging Him to take me back to shore. I was sick of the waves of change. But in His kindness once again, He kept me there. And now I am slowly beginning to see what He saw all along… I needed it. Every part.

It wasn’t just about learning a good lesson and correcting one aspect of my character, it was much bigger than that. It was about becoming okay with being in this raging sea… to stop pleading and longing for the shore. Instead, to be desperate for more grace, more of Christ in me. To stop demanding answers, and to learn to wait and hope for what I can’t see. To submerge myself in the Living Water, instead of fighting against the waves.

So, now is my opportunity: To make mistakes and learn from them, instead of making excuses or condemning myself. To hope in a supernatural God, and thank Him for what He’s doing in my family… instead of being frustrated that my mom has cancer. To breathe in deep all of the blessings, and stop wishing for what I don’t have. To grow in my knowledge of the Word and to lay down my superficial ideas of how “mature” I think I might be.

Today I am so grateful to Jesus for how He is shaping me… I hope that if you’re reading this that you will be challenged to embrace the sweet sting of correction in whatever form it might come. That instead of despising the storm, you will feel loved because of it. Whatever you might be sifting through, that you would ask for courage and meekness from God instead of looking for a way to fix it yourself or escape it.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” – Isaiah 43:2

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah” –Psalm 61:1-4

weathering this heart. Learning to surrender, again. and again.

The weather this winter has been so unpredictable in Texas. Scarves and boots one day, shorts and a light jacket the next. It has been through my recent impatience with the weather that I've re-discovered my frustration with life's unpredictability. Inconsistency drives me crazy. Weather. People who are unpredictable. Situations that creep in and mess up my happily planned day. When my emotions stagger and sway. The list goes on. I seem to only delight in change when I plan it. And I know that sounds horribly ironic, but oh well.

Surrendering to change, and all that entails. This seems to be the theme of my life right now... learning how to let go. Obviously, I haven't quite learned my lesson yet.

When life flips upside down I tend to kick and scream, fighting against the waves of change. This time I must have fought too hard, because I threw out my back... haha. oh boy.

So as I'm writing this, I am laying on tons of pillows with a heating pad... truly wishing I could take these muscle relaxers the doc just gave me.

And it's God's kindness. Wait... what? Yes, it is His kindness. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that there is more to life than predictability. The truth is, I am horrible at this... but I am determined to try my best to embrace these waves, and float on God's grace in the midst of the storm.
This morning as I was praying on my way to school, I felt fear creep in to my heart. Anxious about my mom's health, hating cancer and what it does. Sick of having back pain. Feeling homesick. The never-ending to do lists. Missing my best girl friends, feeling lonely. And as everything bubbled up in my heart, I caught myself trying to suppress it all. So instead, I pulled into the parking lot at school and cried. Cried so hard I was a few minutes late for class.

It was then that the Lord kindly re-directed my perspective. Letting His grace cover us isn't about refusing to feel fear or doubt. It's about feeling deeply, and choosing to run to the feet of Jesus with whatever emotion we are facing. It's about dropping our cape of self-sufficiency, and allowing the real hero to rescue us from ourselves... thank you Jesus.

Admitting my frailty... and unashamedly being transparent with others, myself, and God. I can honestly say that's what is transforming this weak-willed heart of mine. We really aren't that strong at all. But, HE is. And He shines in us when we come to terms with our inability to hold it together. So today... I let go. again.

I found him in the place when I was the most desperate. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent.

Discovering fresh hope, even though it hasn't looked very pretty. SO... with back pain, heartache, a huge homework load, and a full day ahead of me... I have such an opportunity to let the praise of the Lord cover my speech.

I am well aware that I will have to surrender again, and again. And... AGAIN.

I will never fully master the art of surrendering. But for now, I will try not to hold on so tightly, reminding myself to trust in the one that gives me breath. His steadfast love keeps me right where I need to be. This is what the message of the cross is all about.

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21

Desperate to be Kept.

When life turns upside down it frustrates us. We hate losing grip. In some form or another, we are all control freaks... I tend to be an extremist. Everything inside of me that I’ve taken pride in lately seems to have fallen to pieces. Tears and raw emotions surfaced in my heart. Little miss independent…that’s what I am. A creature of habit. I like things to go according to plan.

I hate not knowing where I’ll live for the next few months. I hate not feeling settled and living out of a suitcase. I hate that my mom is several states away battling cancer.

This past week I kicked and screamed to somehow grab hold of something. And yet still… nothing. I do believe we are meant to be responsible people… but unfortunately there have been times that my “responsible” tendencies have turned into self-sufficiency. Last night as I lay in bed, I cried hard. My independence fought and stirred…and I poured out my heart to Jesus. And when I was emotionally spent, I was comforted by the only thing that is predictable in this life; the hope I have in Christ and His deep love for me.

I was listening to a song today by Deb Talan called “Big Strong Girl”. It spoke to me so much… especially to my deeply independent tendencies. (haha)

Don't push so hard against the world
You can't do it all alone
And if you could, would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl,
Come on, come on, lay it down
The best made plans
Come on, come on, lay it down

This morning as I planted my feet on the floor and breathed in deep, I was reminded that God’s mercy and grace truly are new every day. Somehow in the midst of the logistical and emotional chaos, there is an underlying peace. This has nothing to do with my ability to be strong in the faith… I just finally let go.

John Piper posted this the other day… it helped to shift my perspective. He said, “I believe in eternal security. God keeps me secure by making me desperate to be kept—through prayer and the fight of faith.”

Surrendering our lives is such a process… and I want to be desperate to be kept. I serve a God that is actively involved in my heart and life. And when I’ve chosen to try to do it all myself, He is always faithful to remind me how incapable I am of doing it alone.

There are still so many unknowns, but today they don’t seem so daunting. Today my heart feels stronger. And for the days ahead where my heart may become weary, He is still carrying me. His leadership is perfect. We can trust Him.

“But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” Proverbs 1:33

This fight for faith and dependence on Jesus is so real, and so worth it.