Life, and the expectations we have of it.

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." — Shauna Niequist (Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life)

I feel like this describes my current outlook on life. For so long I have always been looking forward to the next best thing. In high school I dreamed up and imagined how much better life would be after graduation. I pictured a more sophisticated “me”. Pressing forward to new adventures and new friends. By the end of my internship in Texas, I would be spiritually mature. I would finally have the friendships I had always prayed for, and I would be ready to face every obstacle that came my way. Weakness would no longer be an option. I would be a strong woman, ready to jump back into college life in California. I would be ready for a romantic relationship, and could expect one as soon as I moved back.

That was my plan…at least. Was it the outcome I had expected? Not even close. I did walk away from that year with friendships I will always be thankful for, and several that will last a lifetime. But graduation came and went, both from high school and my internship. After one year in Texas, I found myself there for another. And I thought…okay, well for sure after a second year here I will be mature and complete. So I held on, waiting for that moment where my life would suddenly evolve into a better version of what it currently was. But as I entered that second year, I began to realize that the life I was waiting for was unfolding right before my eyes. Things continued to turn out completely different than I had planned…but I became less and less worried or disappointed. That year was such a pivotal point in my life, but for different reasons than I expected. I am still weak and immature in so many ways, and not half as strong as I expected to be. I am not back in California, but have officially become a Texas resident. I am single, and taking a break from college.

My life looks nothing like what I thought it would. And surprisingly, I couldn’t be happier. Life is no longer this blank canvas that I figured would someday magically turn into a perfect picture. Instead, it is gradually being filled with color and life. It isn’t an organized pattern with straight lines and symmetry. It is full of splotches and imperfections that I am not ashamed of. They speak boldly, and somehow those imperfections are what makes this canvas so inspiring. Wise choices and foolish ones. Friendships I didn’t expect to have, and some I never expected to lose. So many life lessons; some I didn’t want to learn, but did…and some I thought I would have learned by now, but still haven’t.

Life really is what you make it; the more and more that I live, I am assured of this. Today is abundantly full of opportunities to appreciate and be thankful for each breath that fills my lungs. I was created with a purpose for today, mandated by my Creator. I am fully confident that life will continue to be full of unexpected circumstances, relationships, and choices. But isn’t that the beauty of it all? I am so thankful that I put my hope in a God who works out all things for the good of those who love Him. Because no matter what expectations I might have for my future, He always knows what it best. And so far, putting my hope in His goodness has never left me disappointed, but instead…more satisfied than ever.

For those of you who are reading this, I hope that today you are reminded of how sweet it is to be alive. Not for hopes of what tomorrow might bring, or who you will become…but for the beauty of today, and who you are in the midst of all of your shortcomings. It is a process that shouldn’t be neglected, because today you truly are shaping the person you hope to be tomorrow. For so long, I lived my life in a dream world. Hoping that someday I would wake up and it would be my reality. And now that I am awake, my reality is so much greater than my dream world. So grab a hold of whatever you can. Savor the people you experience, and cherish even the smallest of things. Like the weather, or your job. Life isn’t mundane, it is extraordinary...so drink of it deeply!!

author of L O V E, save the empty.

Thinking on how relentless He is at stripping us of the sin that so easily entangles...even when we hold on to it so tightly.

Do you ever feel like the one thing you are reaching for is the one thing that is so far out of grasp? Or maybe it truly is closer than we think...but we get tired of waiting for something so great, in fear that it might never come. So we settle for something that wasn't even ours to claim. It's a cycle. A pattern that seems impossible to break once it has begun. Too submerged in the lie that maybe it's worth it, that somehow this "just for now" will never come to an end. But now it is over, and it's too late to turn back time. Reality hits you right between the eyes, and you kick and scream and your heart aches...you are bewildered at the thought of how you arrived here. Amazed at your lack of discernment. How could you have been so blind? This new reality that doesn't seem like it could be true is now spinning around you, making you dizzy. You feel like a stranger to this life that is now in front of you, but it is yours...none the less.

But living in the past is like dancing with a dead man...so it's time to take a deep breath, face the day. Staring into the mirror, wondering who this imposter is. Look deep into those eyes, wipe of the disguise. It is time to remember what you were created for. No more running away, sweet girl. Time to run towards the only thing that makes sense in a world of such instability...Jesus the Christ. Finally.