When life turns upside down it frustrates us. We hate losing grip. In some form or another, we are all control freaks... I tend to be an extremist. Everything inside of me that I’ve taken pride in lately seems to have fallen to pieces. Tears and raw emotions surfaced in my heart. Little miss independent…that’s what I am. A creature of habit. I like things to go according to plan.
I hate not knowing where I’ll live for the next few months. I hate not feeling settled and living out of a suitcase. I hate that my mom is several states away battling cancer.
This past week I kicked and screamed to somehow grab hold of something. And yet still… nothing. I do believe we are meant to be responsible people… but unfortunately there have been times that my “responsible” tendencies have turned into self-sufficiency. Last night as I lay in bed, I cried hard. My independence fought and stirred…and I poured out my heart to Jesus. And when I was emotionally spent, I was comforted by the only thing that is predictable in this life; the hope I have in Christ and His deep love for me.
I was listening to a song today by Deb Talan called “Big Strong Girl”. It spoke to me so much… especially to my deeply independent tendencies. (haha)
Don't push so hard against the world
You can't do it all alone
And if you could, would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl,
Come on, come on, lay it down
The best made plans
Come on, come on, lay it down
This morning as I planted my feet on the floor and breathed in deep, I was reminded that God’s mercy and grace truly are new every day. Somehow in the midst of the logistical and emotional chaos, there is an underlying peace. This has nothing to do with my ability to be strong in the faith… I just finally let go.
John Piper posted this the other day… it helped to shift my perspective. He said, “I believe in eternal security. God keeps me secure by making me desperate to be kept—through prayer and the fight of faith.”
Surrendering our lives is such a process… and I want to be desperate to be kept. I serve a God that is actively involved in my heart and life. And when I’ve chosen to try to do it all myself, He is always faithful to remind me how incapable I am of doing it alone.
There are still so many unknowns, but today they don’t seem so daunting. Today my heart feels stronger. And for the days ahead where my heart may become weary, He is still carrying me. His leadership is perfect. We can trust Him.
“But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” Proverbs 1:33
This fight for faith and dependence on Jesus is so real, and so worth it.
