thoughts from the terminal.

There is something so intriguing about sitting in a room full of people, and to be a complete stranger. I had three hours to kill, waiting for my connecting flight to Dallas. I strolled around the different gates and terminals, watching people rush past me.

The businessman. You will recognize him by his serious countenance, talking into his blue-tooth earpiece. Briefcase in one hand, Starbucks in the other. The way he walks will assure you that he’s a pretty big deal.

The basketball players. They normally stick out like a sore thumb due to their height, muscle mass, and the fact that all 15 of them wear the same sweats.

The elderly. The last kind of people you want to get stuck behind when you’re in a hurry, but when you are not…they are so fun to observe. The more wrinkles, the more life they have lived. Wondering their story, and what they must have been like when they were my age. And I’ve found, that they are usually chipper or grumpy. Sweet or sassy. Both responses are to me, equally entertaining. J

The large families. Some kids are on leashes, one is strapped to their mother’s back, and another is on their dad’s shoulders. “Dora the Explorer” rolling suitcases, and “Bob the Builder” backpacks.

Right in the midst of the mothers trying to keep their kids still, and the majority of people on their cell phones, laptops, or ipods…what do I find? A 30-something “free spirit” playing his guitar. He had sandy-blond hair, green eyes, and a big mustache.

Oh, the joys of travel. As I sat in that airport, I pretended I was Elizabeth Gilbert…off to find myself in another country. The more I imagined it, the more I longed for it to be true. My heart comes alive in places that are unfamiliar. Moreso, in places where I am just another face in a crowd. There’s nothing quite like feeling as if somehow, you’ve stepped out of time itself, and yet you are still able to watch the busy buzz of life unfold before your very eyes. To me, it is exciting. It’s like peeking into the lives of others, just for the sake of appreciating a different way of living.

For today, I will have to settle for observing and pretending I am on my way to somewhere foreign, instead of on my way home. But, I suppose one of the greatest things about an imagination is that sometimes it inspires you to dream up new adventures that truly can be your reality for the future. Time to start saving up for my much anticipated “future” reality!

This soldier knows, the battle with the heart isn't easily won.

We are all in search of something…but what is it? What exactly is it that we desperately seek? All of our journeys look different, but we all have one thing in common: the reason we have embarked on such a quest. Some of us have found it, and others still seek it. But whether we have found it yet or not, we are all desperate to fill the gap. The answer is Love. The one that designed it, brought it into existence, and who exudes the very definition of it. His name is Jesus, the author of the very emotion and experience we all crave.

If all of humanity is simply scientific, how can we find reason for these deep longings of the heart?

Why is one of the biggest fears we have as humans, the fear of ending up alone?

If we weren’t designed for love, then why does rejection sting and wound our hearts so significantly? And even once we are wounded by love, we still run after it. We are reckless, willing to risk another potential blow to the heart in hopes that maybe next time love will surprise us, and heal all of our scars. But you see, I think that is part of the problem. We want no trace of our past wounds, we want no reminders of our mistakes. And as long as we keep hoping and wishing for a love that will completely erase these things, we will always be disappointed.

Love came, and surprised me… it wasn’t the love I had expected to find. It was a love that didn't require me to put my "best foot forward"...because He already knew it all. And although He has mended this wretched heart of mine, I have stopped wishing the scars were gone. Instead, I am finding that through the scars,...He is proudly the champion of my heart. Suddenly they no longer represent foolishness; Instead they scream, "He chose me still."

Love like His is inescapable, and we will never deserve it. And yet, He offers it to us without hesitation. I heard once that true love is a great mystery...and in this case, I wholeheartedly agree.

Life, and the expectations we have of it.

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." — Shauna Niequist (Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life)

I feel like this describes my current outlook on life. For so long I have always been looking forward to the next best thing. In high school I dreamed up and imagined how much better life would be after graduation. I pictured a more sophisticated “me”. Pressing forward to new adventures and new friends. By the end of my internship in Texas, I would be spiritually mature. I would finally have the friendships I had always prayed for, and I would be ready to face every obstacle that came my way. Weakness would no longer be an option. I would be a strong woman, ready to jump back into college life in California. I would be ready for a romantic relationship, and could expect one as soon as I moved back.

That was my plan…at least. Was it the outcome I had expected? Not even close. I did walk away from that year with friendships I will always be thankful for, and several that will last a lifetime. But graduation came and went, both from high school and my internship. After one year in Texas, I found myself there for another. And I thought…okay, well for sure after a second year here I will be mature and complete. So I held on, waiting for that moment where my life would suddenly evolve into a better version of what it currently was. But as I entered that second year, I began to realize that the life I was waiting for was unfolding right before my eyes. Things continued to turn out completely different than I had planned…but I became less and less worried or disappointed. That year was such a pivotal point in my life, but for different reasons than I expected. I am still weak and immature in so many ways, and not half as strong as I expected to be. I am not back in California, but have officially become a Texas resident. I am single, and taking a break from college.

My life looks nothing like what I thought it would. And surprisingly, I couldn’t be happier. Life is no longer this blank canvas that I figured would someday magically turn into a perfect picture. Instead, it is gradually being filled with color and life. It isn’t an organized pattern with straight lines and symmetry. It is full of splotches and imperfections that I am not ashamed of. They speak boldly, and somehow those imperfections are what makes this canvas so inspiring. Wise choices and foolish ones. Friendships I didn’t expect to have, and some I never expected to lose. So many life lessons; some I didn’t want to learn, but did…and some I thought I would have learned by now, but still haven’t.

Life really is what you make it; the more and more that I live, I am assured of this. Today is abundantly full of opportunities to appreciate and be thankful for each breath that fills my lungs. I was created with a purpose for today, mandated by my Creator. I am fully confident that life will continue to be full of unexpected circumstances, relationships, and choices. But isn’t that the beauty of it all? I am so thankful that I put my hope in a God who works out all things for the good of those who love Him. Because no matter what expectations I might have for my future, He always knows what it best. And so far, putting my hope in His goodness has never left me disappointed, but instead…more satisfied than ever.

For those of you who are reading this, I hope that today you are reminded of how sweet it is to be alive. Not for hopes of what tomorrow might bring, or who you will become…but for the beauty of today, and who you are in the midst of all of your shortcomings. It is a process that shouldn’t be neglected, because today you truly are shaping the person you hope to be tomorrow. For so long, I lived my life in a dream world. Hoping that someday I would wake up and it would be my reality. And now that I am awake, my reality is so much greater than my dream world. So grab a hold of whatever you can. Savor the people you experience, and cherish even the smallest of things. Like the weather, or your job. Life isn’t mundane, it is extraordinary...so drink of it deeply!!

author of L O V E, save the empty.

Thinking on how relentless He is at stripping us of the sin that so easily entangles...even when we hold on to it so tightly.

Do you ever feel like the one thing you are reaching for is the one thing that is so far out of grasp? Or maybe it truly is closer than we think...but we get tired of waiting for something so great, in fear that it might never come. So we settle for something that wasn't even ours to claim. It's a cycle. A pattern that seems impossible to break once it has begun. Too submerged in the lie that maybe it's worth it, that somehow this "just for now" will never come to an end. But now it is over, and it's too late to turn back time. Reality hits you right between the eyes, and you kick and scream and your heart aches...you are bewildered at the thought of how you arrived here. Amazed at your lack of discernment. How could you have been so blind? This new reality that doesn't seem like it could be true is now spinning around you, making you dizzy. You feel like a stranger to this life that is now in front of you, but it is yours...none the less.

But living in the past is like dancing with a dead man...so it's time to take a deep breath, face the day. Staring into the mirror, wondering who this imposter is. Look deep into those eyes, wipe of the disguise. It is time to remember what you were created for. No more running away, sweet girl. Time to run towards the only thing that makes sense in a world of such instability...Jesus the Christ. Finally.

enjoyable chaos?

Man, it has been a crazy last few weeks! I can honestly say that the two things that got me through was the sweet mercy of Jesus, and a lot of strong coffee. (haha.) My favorite combination, for sure.

Time is flying by so fast! Still trying to figure out where the month of January went....hm.





Well, currently my ears are ringing a little. Charlie & Ellie decided to have a screaming contest this morning. Ouch! Watching them interact is always entertaining though. One minute I am sipping a cup of coffee...watching the rain outside, with some Pandora radio playing in the background. Close my eyes and soak it in. And within a minute's time, it is interrupted by two babies running around the house, laughing and squealing as loud as possible. Irritating? Frustrating? Not at all, actually. Moments like these make me so thankful that I have such a wonderful job, regardless of how crazy it can be at times. :-)

Sounds kind of contradictory, huh? Maybe so... but for me, life needs a little chaos. Without it, I'm afraid I wouldn't appreciate moments like these quite as much. Currently learning how to grab a hold of life, and enjoy it fully... even in the most simple of circumstances.

Well, that's about all I have time for today. Until next time, Ciao!