the four letter word, and where it found me.

Since I'm still a newly married woman, thoughts on love still seem to be oozing out of my brain. So, bear with me if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you. :)

Love is not always what we think or expect. And it very rarely happens the way we imagine it. In college I was focused on graduating and enjoying my season of being single. In fact, I might even admit, I got comfortable there. I enjoyed throwing wedding/baby showers and being a bridesmaid. Independence was my pride and joy. And when love showed up for me, it broke social norms and expectations I had for a "conventional" relationship. And even though it scared me senseless, I couldn't shake this peace I had deep in my heart. And as hard as I tried to push away, Kenny saw the best in me. (I always needed someone who was willing to fight for me.) And after prayerful consideration and counsel, I surrendered to love.

I can honestly say, that I'm SO grateful that my journey to romance didn't happen the way I had "planned".

I believe that God protected me and led me, even through stupid past mistakes. I've screwed up so many previous relationships, that it almost seems unfair to have something this pure, this precious. And that's how I know that the sole reason that I have found love is because God is RICH in kindness.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:17

There have been so many times that I've found myself journaling and thinking about how I don't deserve a man like Kenny. And then one day, I had a thought: Maybe that's the beauty of a Christ-like love. None of us will ever be able to earn it or truly deserve it. At some point, we will fall short. Love was always meant to be a gift. And when we receive it with a heart full of gratitude, it allows our love to continue to grow.

It is Christ in Kenny that loves me best. Just as it is Christ in me that attempts to love him better too.

I know there will be times we argue, and when waking up next to each other isn't always this romantic. BUT, for now... I'm soaking it in.

I'll let my heart overflow with gratitude and praise to God for this wonderful gift. Maybe then, on days that are more mundane, I'll be reminded of these sweet moments.

I don't want to sit by and wait for the freshness of this new season to fade. Instead, I'll breathe it in DEEPLY.

Late post: Life lessons from dusty journals.

Okay so first and foremost, I should preface this is an old post that I forgot to ever actually publish on here. (Whoops). I have a habit of starting to write and never publishing my thoughts. Maybe it's the perfectionist in me that has to proofread everything five times. Or, maybe it's the fast pace of life. Oh well, whatever.

Kenny and I are dedicating the next few weekends to labeling and filling boxes to the brim.
Transitioning from his "man cave" into our studio apartment. I can't believe we get married in just a few weeks!

Funny how transition is always slightly bittersweet. It's a tug-of-war between what will be missed and what there is to look forward to.


I pulled a bunch of random things from under my bed, including a few old journals (that look more like massive textbooks). Covered in dust, I flipped through the pages. I laughed at my perspective and concerns. I smiled as I read about my old roommates, and random memories and my college course woes. Vivid pictures of sitting in places by myself, finding out who I was, and how God sees me. Sorting through feeling alone, through my mom's battle with cancer, and through many job transitions and life changes. When I flipped to the last page of my previous journal, I read this: " may this journal remind you, Hannah Jayne, of the Lord's faithfulness to you. His love, and tender voice. His mercy and wisdom"... and tonight, it did just that. Thank you, Lord.

God has such a crafty way of reminding us of how far He's taken us. Tonight, I'm so grateful for that.

2012.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged last. Now that I have a break in between semesters, I thought I’d pick it up again. And since it’s New Year’s Day, I thought it’d be an opportune time to reflect on what the Lord has done in me this past year.

2012 has been full of many transitions. After living in a house full of women for several years, I moved into a studio apartment by myself. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I started a new school. I switched jobs…three times. And lastly, I found love. With each transition came a new discovery of myself, and God’s perspective for me. I wept tears of confusion and despair, as well as tears of joy and gratitude. When things are uncertain, it’s like seeing a fog of grey, when all you are searching for is a ray of light. And even though trusting God’s sovereignty should be enough, sometimes it felt like I was hanging by a thread. There were times I wrestled and doubted how God would bring glory of this mess… times that I was literally on my face trying to stir this heart of mine to be in alignment with what He had in store. I believe in that moment… He saw me.

And even though the process was longer than I might have liked, God always knows what will bring about the best results. And as I write this, my heart is overflowing with gratitude for all that God has done. Mom is getting stronger every day, victoriously finished her chemo and radiation. My most recent job transition has brought so much relief to both my bank account, and my emotional stress level. Living by myself has allowed for deep moments between just me and Jesus, and a quiet place of peace. And after wondering where love would find me… now the man I love will be joining me in California to meet my parents.

So, I guess I’m approaching 2013 with a fresh set of eyes, far beyond a perspective I could’ve conjured up on my own. Instead of wishing that 2013 is a smoother year, I pray that today you and I both learn to trust the perfect leadership of Jesus more and more. That we would be blessed by whatever He entrusts us with…that we flourish into who He’s made us to be, regardless of what that may require.

“Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in him.” –Proverbs 30:5

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” –Psalm 9:10

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”—Isaiah 26:3

Waves of change. Surrendering still...

(I wrote this a few nights ago… just now posting.)

For the first time in several months I’m sitting down to blog. I am sipping (decaf) coffee, which is a glorious feeling. I can’t even recall the last time I didn’t need to be caffeinated. Mmhm. Feels so good. There is a pretty intense storm going on outside. Every time it rains and I actually have time to sit and watch, I feel like my heart and mind sink into reflection. Raindrops rolling down the windowpane and lightning flashing across the sky tonight remind me of the “storms” life takes us through. More specifically, how these "storms" end up shaping us and changing us for the better. I felt every emotion from the past few months rush through my mind and heart… and as they did, I felt the presence of God so near. He has never forsaken me, even in the midst of all this madness.

I laugh when I read my journal entries that say things like: “I want to stay humble. I want to reflect God’s character when it’s hard.” It is normally a short period of time in between those journal entries and when life begins to take its wild turns. It makes all this whining I’ve been doing seem pretty irrational, considering I asked for it. (haha)

A few years back I had the privilege of discipling a group of girls. There was a phrase I would constantly say to them when talking about being a steadfast lover of Jesus:

“In the midst of the storms that come, we choose respond to His love.” The more that I live, the more I realize this has become more than a seasonal teaching for me. It has weaved its way into the story of my life. The one song that this little bird chirps over and over again… Steadfast. Faithful until the end. Whatever storms may come… I will respond to His love. It rolls off the tongue easily, but feels like a never-ending war within when you’re trying to walk it out.

Life has seemed like a raging sea since December. And right when I thought I was done “learning my lesson”, the Lord had more in store for me. I found myself some nights begging Him to take me back to shore. I was sick of the waves of change. But in His kindness once again, He kept me there. And now I am slowly beginning to see what He saw all along… I needed it. Every part.

It wasn’t just about learning a good lesson and correcting one aspect of my character, it was much bigger than that. It was about becoming okay with being in this raging sea… to stop pleading and longing for the shore. Instead, to be desperate for more grace, more of Christ in me. To stop demanding answers, and to learn to wait and hope for what I can’t see. To submerge myself in the Living Water, instead of fighting against the waves.

So, now is my opportunity: To make mistakes and learn from them, instead of making excuses or condemning myself. To hope in a supernatural God, and thank Him for what He’s doing in my family… instead of being frustrated that my mom has cancer. To breathe in deep all of the blessings, and stop wishing for what I don’t have. To grow in my knowledge of the Word and to lay down my superficial ideas of how “mature” I think I might be.

Today I am so grateful to Jesus for how He is shaping me… I hope that if you’re reading this that you will be challenged to embrace the sweet sting of correction in whatever form it might come. That instead of despising the storm, you will feel loved because of it. Whatever you might be sifting through, that you would ask for courage and meekness from God instead of looking for a way to fix it yourself or escape it.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” – Isaiah 43:2

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah” –Psalm 61:1-4

weathering this heart. Learning to surrender, again. and again.

The weather this winter has been so unpredictable in Texas. Scarves and boots one day, shorts and a light jacket the next. It has been through my recent impatience with the weather that I've re-discovered my frustration with life's unpredictability. Inconsistency drives me crazy. Weather. People who are unpredictable. Situations that creep in and mess up my happily planned day. When my emotions stagger and sway. The list goes on. I seem to only delight in change when I plan it. And I know that sounds horribly ironic, but oh well.

Surrendering to change, and all that entails. This seems to be the theme of my life right now... learning how to let go. Obviously, I haven't quite learned my lesson yet.

When life flips upside down I tend to kick and scream, fighting against the waves of change. This time I must have fought too hard, because I threw out my back... haha. oh boy.

So as I'm writing this, I am laying on tons of pillows with a heating pad... truly wishing I could take these muscle relaxers the doc just gave me.

And it's God's kindness. Wait... what? Yes, it is His kindness. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that there is more to life than predictability. The truth is, I am horrible at this... but I am determined to try my best to embrace these waves, and float on God's grace in the midst of the storm.
This morning as I was praying on my way to school, I felt fear creep in to my heart. Anxious about my mom's health, hating cancer and what it does. Sick of having back pain. Feeling homesick. The never-ending to do lists. Missing my best girl friends, feeling lonely. And as everything bubbled up in my heart, I caught myself trying to suppress it all. So instead, I pulled into the parking lot at school and cried. Cried so hard I was a few minutes late for class.

It was then that the Lord kindly re-directed my perspective. Letting His grace cover us isn't about refusing to feel fear or doubt. It's about feeling deeply, and choosing to run to the feet of Jesus with whatever emotion we are facing. It's about dropping our cape of self-sufficiency, and allowing the real hero to rescue us from ourselves... thank you Jesus.

Admitting my frailty... and unashamedly being transparent with others, myself, and God. I can honestly say that's what is transforming this weak-willed heart of mine. We really aren't that strong at all. But, HE is. And He shines in us when we come to terms with our inability to hold it together. So today... I let go. again.

I found him in the place when I was the most desperate. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent.

Discovering fresh hope, even though it hasn't looked very pretty. SO... with back pain, heartache, a huge homework load, and a full day ahead of me... I have such an opportunity to let the praise of the Lord cover my speech.

I am well aware that I will have to surrender again, and again. And... AGAIN.

I will never fully master the art of surrendering. But for now, I will try not to hold on so tightly, reminding myself to trust in the one that gives me breath. His steadfast love keeps me right where I need to be. This is what the message of the cross is all about.

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21

Desperate to be Kept.

When life turns upside down it frustrates us. We hate losing grip. In some form or another, we are all control freaks... I tend to be an extremist. Everything inside of me that I’ve taken pride in lately seems to have fallen to pieces. Tears and raw emotions surfaced in my heart. Little miss independent…that’s what I am. A creature of habit. I like things to go according to plan.

I hate not knowing where I’ll live for the next few months. I hate not feeling settled and living out of a suitcase. I hate that my mom is several states away battling cancer.

This past week I kicked and screamed to somehow grab hold of something. And yet still… nothing. I do believe we are meant to be responsible people… but unfortunately there have been times that my “responsible” tendencies have turned into self-sufficiency. Last night as I lay in bed, I cried hard. My independence fought and stirred…and I poured out my heart to Jesus. And when I was emotionally spent, I was comforted by the only thing that is predictable in this life; the hope I have in Christ and His deep love for me.

I was listening to a song today by Deb Talan called “Big Strong Girl”. It spoke to me so much… especially to my deeply independent tendencies. (haha)

Don't push so hard against the world
You can't do it all alone
And if you could, would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl,
Come on, come on, lay it down
The best made plans
Come on, come on, lay it down

This morning as I planted my feet on the floor and breathed in deep, I was reminded that God’s mercy and grace truly are new every day. Somehow in the midst of the logistical and emotional chaos, there is an underlying peace. This has nothing to do with my ability to be strong in the faith… I just finally let go.

John Piper posted this the other day… it helped to shift my perspective. He said, “I believe in eternal security. God keeps me secure by making me desperate to be kept—through prayer and the fight of faith.”

Surrendering our lives is such a process… and I want to be desperate to be kept. I serve a God that is actively involved in my heart and life. And when I’ve chosen to try to do it all myself, He is always faithful to remind me how incapable I am of doing it alone.

There are still so many unknowns, but today they don’t seem so daunting. Today my heart feels stronger. And for the days ahead where my heart may become weary, He is still carrying me. His leadership is perfect. We can trust Him.

“But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” Proverbs 1:33

This fight for faith and dependence on Jesus is so real, and so worth it.

cleaning out the junk. Floating on grace.

In one week’s time, me and all of my roommates decided to move out by January. We have begun cleaning out shelves and drawers, preparing for change. As I attempted to tackle my closet, clothes began accumulating all over my bedroom floor. I would stop and critique each piece of clothing and make a decision. Standing there debating the fate of a sweater, I felt the Holy Spirit speak so clearly. My closet isn’t the only thing in need of some serious purging…

Some parts of our lives we can tend to look at and put up with. Sometimes there are things we are meant to let go of, but choose to hold on to for “sentimental value.” So instead of having extra space for something new, we let the old stuff dominate our closet. We refuse to throw it away. We try it on and begin to rationalize why we should keep it. And so we buy more hangers, and attempt to stuff each rack beyond its capacity. If we hoard things in our life the way we hoard things in our closets, we are missing out on something great.

Holding on to sin or past mistakes for the sake of "sentimental value" only holds us back from what God wants to do in us NOW.

I felt so free as I tossed each article of clothing out of my closet, as if somehow I gained back my sensibility. I always feel so refreshed when I get rid of junk. Yet when it comes to matters of the heart, we don't toss things out so easily. It is normally more of a tug-of-war. But needless to say, it's always worth making the choice to toss it. And as we let go... chains fall. Our burdens become lighter as we cast them on Christ. Today, I feel so light, I could fly. He is so capable of taking it all.

Every morning now as I walk in to my less cluttered closet, I want to be reminded to allow Jesus to pull the old junk out of this heart of mine.

We need Him. He's the only thing that makes us clean.